Where were you when a hefty, wide-bodied Bulldog made Planet Earth spin faster on its axis when he ran? With all due respect to non-football fans, the NFL Scouting Combine was infinitely better to watch than the Oscars or Emmys. The four-day spectacle in Indianapolis saw exhibitions of speed and feats of strength impressive enough to leave viewers brimming with nervous excitement for the 2022 regular season (only 184 days away!). We won’t even know which teams these prospects will play for until April, but that’s just another checkpoint on the Zelda-like quest of the NFL offseason.
I’m not one for participation trophies. I prefer to see accolades well-earned. “Thanks for trying” is nowhere near as rewarding as “Wow, you’re amazing!” There were a few truly remarkable performances at this year’s combine that I felt warranted special recognition. True to my tongue-in-cheek style, the awards I doled out are part yearbook superlatives and two parts ludicrous nerdery. Here is what I came up with.
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The Jaw-Dropper Award: Jordan Davis (DL), Georgia
This award is given to the prospect whose performance left us so agape in astonishment that we needed one of those hand cranks from Loonie Tunes to return our chins to their normal hinged position. Nobody has ever run a 4.78-second 40-yard dash at more than 300 pounds. Davis did that at 341. He also set a combine record for the plus-sized crowd in the broad jump with a 10′ 3″ leap that probably flattened out a crater somewhere on the other side of the world. My mind couldn’t accept what I was seeing live, so I watched the replays to exhaustion just to try to compute how it was possible. Just as science cannot explain how a bumblebee can fly, football people don’t quite know how to place Jordan Davis. He has warranted a truly unique player comp from me: Godzilla… with a jet pack.
Most Likely to Change His Last Name to Bolt: Kalon Barnes (CB), Baylor
Tyreek Hill (WR – KC) is known as the Cheetah. He is also known for calling out the world’s fastest man, Usain Bolt, to challenge him to a footrace wager. Even Hill only ran the 40 in 4.29 seconds. That makes him the fastest star player in the NFL, but just a tick more sluggish than the fastest defensive player to ever run at the combine. Kalon Barnes scorched earth with his 4.23 and has even been clocked going 23 miles per hour on the field, which is a speeding ticket in certain school zones. Usain Bolt is not his real name, but probably the coolest name change in the history of self-appointed nicknames. It wouldn’t surprise me at all to see Barnes cash in on his newfound clout from the combine by joining the Bolt family. Kalon Bolt even has a nice ring to it.
The Indianapolis Chamber of Commerce Humanitarian Award: Malik Willis (QB), Liberty & EJ Perry (QB), Brown
In these shadowy days of “Do it for the ‘Gram,” it’s ultra-refreshing to see people perform acts of kindness without the cringe-inducing camera awareness. Willis was spotted near Lucas Oil Stadium giving a homeless person some of the clothing from his suitcase. He parlayed that tear-jerking display of humanity with charm and charisma at the podium. By all accounts, Willis has turned the corner as a football player and as a person since transferring to Liberty. Here’s hoping he dishes out accurate targets like sponsored merch.
Quarterbacks aren’t always media darlings, but EJ Perry was more recognized for picking up trash at Lucas Oil Stadium in the wake of the combine than for his very solid showing on the field. Ivy League quarterbacks do have some success stories in the NFL, from Ryan Fitzpatrick (QB – WAS) to Jay Fiedler and the best quarterback in Chicago Bears history, Sid Luckman. Perry is on my radar as a potential late-round steal, but this story from the combine is straight out of Good Will Hunting. I wonder if he will consider a career in janitorial work once his NFL dream flickers out?
Most Likely to Get Drafted by a Horrible Team and Ruin this Hype: Breece Hall (RB), Iowa State
Breece Hall is an absolute beast. He was widely considered the top running back prospect this year before he graced Indy with his presence. We should be praising his shocking 4.39 40-yard dash and 40-inch vertical jump, but instead, there seems to be an overwhelming sense of dread. Jonathan Taylor (RB – IND) is the best running back in the NFL right now, but would he still get the same love if he went to a team with a bad offensive line? Look how quickly Saquon Barkley (RB – NYG) got tossed in the bin. God forbid some moronic franchise drafts Hall and bridles the three-down thoroughbred in an awful committee.
Running backs really should not be first-round picks, but the spectacle put forth by Hall has some draft analysts projecting him into the middle of the first. He almost did too well. The smart teams will sit around and get Isaiah Spiller (RB) on the cheap because he didn’t run the 40, which somehow hurt his draft stock. I could be wrong, but Hall seems less likely to find a good fit than Spiller or Kenneth Walker III (RB). NFL teams are like marriages. There are a few really strong ones who communicate well and make sound financial decisions, thus incurring fewer stressors. The rest of them are trying to fix their problems by having a baby (drafting RB in the first round). Those unfit parents are going to land a beauty in Breece Hall while simultaneously capping his potential to be a world-changing Nobel Prize winner.
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