The hubris of having two close shaves with perfect predictions in Week 1 came crashing down to earth in Week 2. Not even close! That does happen in this wild little fold of the fantasy community where I reside with this column. Sometimes, the wildness happens elsewhere. I did predict the scoring barrage between Baltimore and Miami on Chalk Blocked, but it wasn’t spicy enough to make the Hot Takes article. I also had the Jets beating the Browns, but again, not spicy enough for this particular piece (even though the finish was wild).

I am back on my super-Scoville BS this week and will not compromise on the heat to attack a higher hit rate. #PICANTakes is all about outlandish-but-plausible predictions of coming events in the NFL that would shake the community to its core. Pour yourself a tall glass of whole milk for this one. We’re mashing ghost peppers in a molcajete with no gloves or goggles.

Kyle Pitts Gets the Squeaky Wheel Treatment and is TE1 on the Slate

I got plenty heated after the Falcons’ second loss of the season. Where I was happy with Drake London‘s blossoming role in the offense, The Unicorn (Kyle Pitts) was largely ignored or used as a decoy for illustrious weapons like Olamide Zaccheaus and KhaDarel Hodge. Arthur Smith’s postgame presser only tossed gasoline on the fire when he virtually called everyone who questioned Pitts’ usage a fantasy-obsessed moron. They’re just “trying to win.” Spoken like a true loser, Art. Check out my full rant here.

The fact is that Smith and his offensive staff have now had two full offseasons to draw up unique ways to put the ultimate matchup nightmare in space to flourish and utterly dominate opposing defenses (and win!). Now that this has become a hot-button issue around the NFL, I think ole Arty Farty acquiesces to the fervor and floods Pitts with heavy, pre-determined usage. Smith probably isn’t too accustomed to being called an idiot all week. It must have crushed the aloof sense of superiority he has falsely held over the media at large. He doesn’t hate fantasy football. He was caught on a hot mic last season joking about being accused of having Cordarrelle Patterson on his fantasy team with his unprecedented usage and success. Maybe Arthur Smith just needed to be shown the error of his ways. It can only go up from here for Kyle Pitts. With his talent, I foresee a massive performance this week at Seattle.

Breece Hall Shreds the Bengals to the Tune of 140 Scrimmage Yards, sending the AFC Champs to 0-3

Jets head coach Robert Saleh is an old-school rah-rah guy. He keeps receipts and holds grudges. He had to name incumbent Michael Carter the “starting RB” and “heartbeat of the offense.” Week 1 was pomp and circumstance, and the team was dealt a tough loss to the Ravens. Both Carter and rookie phenom Breece Hall were effective in the Baltimore game, but it was painfully clear that Hall was a far superior weapon. It was even more obvious in Week 2 when the stud from Iowa State chewed up over seven yards per carry and found the end zone on his only reception in the Jets’ wild comeback win in Cleveland.

Unlike Arthur Smith, I believe Saleh to be very intelligent and fully in touch with the talent on his roster. The pattern dictates a growing share of the work for Breece Hall, especially versus the Bengals. Cincinnati was just completely wrecked by Tony Pollard and a ball-control-minded Dallas team with a backup in at QB. Joe Flacco is quite a step up from Cooper Rush, while Hall is a souped-up version of Pollard. Fellow rookie Garrett Wilson is on the heels of a huge game and will draw a ton of deserved defensive attention. That’s great for the narrative that shows that the Jets would be well-served running the ball at a higher rate in Week 3 to keep the redemption-driven Joe Burrow and Ja’Marr Chase on the sidelines. Breece Hall will benefit from the extra workload, and his ability to bust off home run plays will be on full display.

Tua Tagovailoa Outscores Josh Allen in Fantasy Points as the ‘Phins Upset the Already-Crowned Bills

Imagine the shock waves if this one were to come to fruition. Buffalo just started their 2022 season by utterly destroying the defending champs and the top seed in the 2021 AFC playoffs, each in primetime. The Dolphins are also 2-0, with impressive wins over Bill Belichick’s Patriots and John Harbaugh’s Ravens. Josh Allen is the clear QB1 in fantasy again this season, but Tua Tagovailoa leads the NFL in passing yards and tossed six touchdown passes last week. Buffalo’s defense is awesome, studded with studs. Everyone already has the Bills penciled in as AFC Champs, but not so fast, my friends! The ‘Phins are for real and will challenge Buffalo, especially on the defensive end against Allen, Diggs & Company.

I already can’t wait to consume this game. It could be a defensive slugfest, or even a scoring barrage like that Chiefs-Rams game from a couple of years ago. I feel like the Bills and Dolphins are the next great divisional rivalry. If this prediction comes true, it will be by the skin of my teeth. There are many avenues for it to happen, however unlikely they all might be. Tua can put the team on his back as he did in the fourth quarter last week. Miami’s defense could slow Buffalo’s prolific offense down, like in Week 1 against New England. The Mike McDaniel regime is off to a scorching-hot start, but a statement win over the anointed ones from Orchard Park would be Carolina Reaper spicy.

Jimmy Garoppolo and Russell Wilson Have a Mid-Off in the Lowest-Scoring Game of the Week

I feel terrible for Trey Lance. He was such an exciting prospect, but a broken fibula derailed his fledgling career as an NFL starter. Jimmy Garoppolo is once again at the helm in San Francisco, and the morons who think wins are a QB stat are already crowing his praise. Jeff Wilson and Deebo Samuel are the only RBs left unless you count recently-elevated journeyman Marlon Mack and rookie special teamer Jordan Mason. The offensive line for the 49ers is a shell of its former self from years past. Now Jimmy G, and his statuesque features and football attributes, will be a sitting duck for opposing defenses.

Russell Wilson looked pretty good in Week 1. He passed for well over 300 yards and would have defeated his former team from the PNW if not for horrendous coaching and two goal-line fumbles from his talented duo of RBs. Week 2 Russ was very limited. He looked like a lost puppy, crumbling under the deluge of dissatisfied boos from his home crowd at Mile High. Denver won the game because of their stout defense and Houston’s offensive anemia. I expect a similar type of game to the Texans’ flaccid attempt to take down the Broncos this week when the Bay Boys climb the Rockies on Sunday primetime. Each offense is littered with injuries and ineptitude. Both defenses are nasty and itching to dirty up the pretty boys behind center. I want to see some blood on the field, some ripped jerseys, and fiery emotion from these otherwise Charmin-soft QBs. I would respect them a heck of a lot more if they were forced to overcome even a smidgen of adversity.