A few years ago, my wife was complaining that I never involved her in my fantasy baseball leagues. I offered a compromise – she could pick one of my team names for that year. She chose “Cones of Dunshire,” after the board game created by Ben Wyatt in Parks and Recreation.
I won that league going away. It wasn’t close. And so after that year, I have let my wife choose all of my fantasy baseball team names, which is why if you ever find yourself playing in a league with “Homeless Pencil” (New Girl), “The Science Cooker” (30 Rock), or “Finkle is Einhorn” (Ace Ventura), you know we found our way into a league together.
But many others choose to go with a play on words based on player names or statistical categories. It’s a solid strategy if it’s done right. To that end, I’ve crafted my 10 favorite fantasy baseball team names for your comments, ridicule, or (hopefully) enjoyment!
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Syndergaarden Cops
When you can work an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie title into a team name, you’re pretty much guaranteed a successful season. Plus, the name allows you to fall on your bed during a terrible fantasy night and mutter “they’re horrible.” Or, of course, when you feel a headache coming on because Syndergaard just left the game with a shoulder injury, you can always bust out:
wOBA Fett
There must be a Star Wars reference this year, right? I mean, seriously, other than Leia flying through space – which is the one part of the movie I just cannot get past – I think the criticism of The Last Jedi is overblown. Honor the franchise this year in your fantasy baseball team name, and give a little nod to the sabermetricians who have changed the game for the better.
Votto on Basemark
So . . . 50 percent of readers won’t get this one, I’m guessing? But darn, I love it. For those who don’t know, Otto von Bismarck essentially ran Germany and most of Europe for the vast majority of the late 19th century through his political moxy and deft diplomacy. His death left a big hole in the system that kept the peace in Europe, and World War I might never have happened had he been alive at that time.
First, you’re welcome for the history lesson. Second, Votto is an equally important figure to his constituency, and his eventual retirement should lead to the collapse of the Reds. Great team name and in harmony with history.
Colome Badd
Look, I’m not saying that Color Me Badd was the greatest musical group of all time, but it’s definitely in the top 74. Of the 1990’s. Fine, the early 1990’s. Like the group, Alex Colome had a brief rise to the top, before everyone sort of realized he was just mediocre. Hopefully, he’ll leave a better legacy than the group did.
Werth, Wind, and Fire
Let’s keep going with the musical group parody names and give some love to Jayson Werth. I fear that Werth will soon be forgotten in fantasy circles, despite having a great run as a 20-20 guy who you could seemingly draft late every year. Werth had the classic great unfinished swing, fantastic hair, and an entire city (Philadelphia) that hated him because he took a ridiculously good contract offer from the Nationals.
Seriously, the guy basically got Yu Darvish money and everyone expected him to turn it down for a passionate fan base and cheesesteaks? That’s asking a lot.
Cobra Keuchel
Sure, it’s one thing to draft Kai Forbath and name your fantasy team “Cobra Kai,” but it’s a whole different story when you get Keuchel involved. Besides, Keuchel has a little Daniel LaRusso in him – the performance far outweighs his actual skill, he lacks power, and he has an unconventional training method. It just works on all sorts of levels.
Plus you get to make this your avatar, scaring the pants of all your opponents.
VORP Speed
I would much prefer if Ludacris was a baseball player rather than a rapper/actor so I could just name a team “Ludacris Speed,” but this will have to do. VORP Speed works because value over replacement player is applicable to both real AND fantasy baseball. It’s a win-win.
Kershawshank Redemption
This team name is to be employed under only three circumstances. First, you draft Clayton Kershaw (obviously). Second, you’re coming off a season in which your team did poorly. Third, you can come up with an adequate explanation as to how the tall and super skinny Andy Dufresne (who is 6’5″) could fit perfectly into the same shoes and suit as Warden Norton (who is 6’1″ at best). As a fellow giant, that has always bothered me.
The Vottoman Empire
Right, I get it, it’s another Votto team name and you’re tired of it. I can’t help it if one of the best baseball players in the game also has a name that lends itself to wordplay with European History. The reference is pretty self-explanatory, although, as Jerry Seinfeld said, “Like, what was this? A whole empire based on putting your feet up?”
Pepe LeMahieu
Here’s the thing about DJ LeMahieu. The guy is just never going to get recognition. He’s not an elite player in real life or fantasy. He’s got the weird capital letter in the middle of his last name. It’s just not in the cards. So if you own him in fantasy baseball, the least you could do is try to craft your team name around him. And frankly, basing your team name off of a fictional skunk who is just desperate for love and admiration opens up a whole host of possibilities for avatars as your season progresses.
HONORABLE MENTION
The Bryce is Right
This feels kind of obvious, but I like it all the same. The best part is, if Harper manages to have a monster year in his walk year, then you’ve essentially used the name to characterize your team. And if not, then you change your team name to “The Bryce is Wrong” and use a Happy Gilmore image on your team page. Done and done.
Bay of Puigs
We’re stretching it a little thin here because the name works better in written form, rather than when you say it out loud. Still, Puig obviously hails from Cuba so it sorta . . . kinda . . . works? Look, it’s just an honorable mention. Cut me some slack!
Dan Harris is a featured writer for FantasyPros. For more from Dan, check out his archive or follow him on Twitter at @danharris80.
