“Getting old is the pits.” muttered Joan, 84, who had been fitted for new hearing aids a few months prior. It wasn’t so much the imminence of mortality staring her down, but rather a Parkinson’s diagnosis that had made her hobbies more difficult.
“You see? My right hand sits still, but unless I take this pill a few times a day my left has a mind of its own.”
Those chirpy hearing aids, the small over-the-ear variety, were the bane of her daily routine. They paired to her iPhone and the rechargeable batteries meant she didn’t need to change those tiny ones every few days, but vanity had guided her decision on which style Joan ultimately purchased. The neuropathy made her fingertips numb. The tremors were manageable, except for during that pivotal moment every morning when she had to install those blasted hearing aids on her ears.
“I thought a mirror would make it easier, but I’m going crosseyed using it.”
She came to me in tears last week, her expensive devices squealing away inside the original box on her lap. Useless. Auditory rehabilitation is pivotal in the battle against Alzheimer’s and various forms of dementia. Joan’s father had slipped away from the family long before he met his maker and she would be damned before she let herself succumb to the same fate.
“Bo, if I could get these blasted things in my ears I could keep up with the family gossip during the holidays.”
The appointment was scheduled for 30 minutes. Joan and I spent more than an hour practicing the modified technique she would need to repeat every day so her neighbors at the retirement community wouldn’t endure hearing Joan’s tv at volume 77 through the walls. It’s mentally exhausting work, with many failed attempts and moments of immense self-doubt. About midstream, I notice one of the parts is too long, while another needed another two millimeters.
“Try again, Joan. I think this is what we’re looking for. No mirror, just technique and feel.”
The human ear is extremely sensitive. Even the lightest brush on the eighth cranial nerve that runs along the bottom of the ear canal can elicit an involuntary coughing fit, also known as Arnold’s Reflex. Numb fingertips be damned, Joan was going to memorize how the hearing aid felt in her ear.
On the second try, she scoffed and slapped the top of her thighs in frustration. “Check it again. Am I even close?”
“Joan, that’s perfect. Do it again.”
She did. Fighting through tremors and tears rolling down both cheeks, she repeated perfect installation three times on each side. Although I was 48 years her junior, I was beaming with pride and we shared a high five and fist bump.
“Now let’s see if I can remember this when I get home. I’m really old, you know!” She could joke all she wanted. Joan earned that right after such a daunting ordeal.
I was in another appointment yesterday when Joan happened to be in the neighborhood and stopped by. It had been two weeks. She handed my attendant an envelope with my name on it. When I opened it on my break a while later, my day was made.
Such a simple, yet thoughtful gesture. In the midst of a stressful holiday season, I had been reminded of my purpose. To tell you all that I needed that would be a wild understatement. Battling impostor syndrome and feeling rudderless had all evaporated from a thank you card with a brief message inside.
“Thank you, Bo, for helping me figure out my hearing aids. They are wonderful. -Joan”
As we enter the final week of the fantasy football regular season, I invite you to look back for a moment at the trials and tribulations we have endured along the way. It isn’t your imagination; we have lost a lot of good men out there. Those rosters that earned their way into the playoffs don’t even remotely resemble the ones we drafted, but that’s okay.
If this week is your last chance to sneak into the winner’s bracket to compete for a championship, give it your best effort. Start your studs and let the chips fall like the blade of a guillotine. If I led you astray at any point with my analysis, I am sorry. Rest assured, I have very likely suffered from the same fate. As for the home run calls…a high five and fist bump to you too! We might have encountered myriad obstacles along our path to accomplishing our goals, but we can’t give up now. Find a way to tell your own success story. Speaking of stories, here are the top fantasy football storylines for Week 14.
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Week 14 Fantasy Football Storylines (2023)
NorCal Shows Its Stripes
It was me. I predicted Jake Browning’s stellar fantasy performance on Monday night and the Bengals’ upset win over the Jags. Regrettably, I did not foresee such a stellar performance from another NorCal native, Joe Mixon. Along with Browning’s Folsom High School teammate Jonah Williams, Cincinnati was repping the greatest place on Earth very proudly in Duval County, Florida. Who is Joe Burrow, anyway? The Bengals find themselves right in the heat of the AFC playoff race and will host the 7-5 Colts in Week 14.
Browning is prolific. The Colts defense is not. The tandem of Mixon, Ja’Marr Chase, and the recently healthy Tee Higgins could spell a situation where the winningest QB in Pac-12 (RIP) history is also a fantasy league-winning streaming option. The folks here at my good friend’s Folsom bar, The Iron Bulldog, are eager to hang another jersey from the rafters, while I’m excited to have weathered the worst QB attrition in history in the most graceful manner imaginable.
Puka: Samoan for YAC
“Fast enough.” Puka Nacua didn’t raise any eyebrows at the NFL Scouting Combine earlier this year, but you wouldn’t know it by his breakaway 70-yard touchdown reception in Week 13. His teammate Cooper Kupp has long held the opinion that “being quick” is more important. Nacua already has more than 1,000 receiving yards this season, a remarkable feat for a fifth-round rookie on a team still reeling from their all-in Super Bowl campaign two years ago.
Puka actually means “chubby” in Samoan. It’s an endearing term, but one that Nacua has certainly outgrown. His Rams team faces a brutally difficult test this week in Baltimore. The Ravens have a stout defense that has squashed many passing attacks en route to a 9-3 record. I still hold plenty of confidence in Matthew Stafford to get the ball to his two best receivers, along with upstart RB Kyren Williams. The Ravens are fresh off their bye, with Lamar Jackson leading an offense that has complimented their stellar defense all season. This might be the best game on the Sunday main slate.
Blazing a Bottle-Nosed Trail to Victory
Like a fresh delta breeze hitting a sweaty brow after hours of yardwork, De’Von Achane had fantasy managers wearing pleasant smiles last week. He looked plenty healthy after aggravating his knee injury a few weeks ago and scored twice. The Dolphins currently hold the top seed in the AFC playoff picture, but as Mike McDaniel coyly reminded the press, “Call me when it’s a 13-game season.” Be that as it may, Miami is shaping up to be a formidable opponent in the conference.
Never mind the blistering pace Hill is on. The Cheetah is averaging 4.5 yards per route run. If Calvin Johnson was that efficient during his record-breaking season, he would have had more than 3,400 yards. Tua Tagovailoa is the underappreciated hero in all of this. He has continued to improve throughout the season, despite receiving much less credit than that of his weaponry. Raheem Mostert leads the NFL with 14 rushing touchdowns and Jaylen Waddle hasn’t even hit his stride yet. Their Monday night date with the pass funnel Titans might mean some more marine biology puns and superlatives are in the works.
Did you notice there are two simultaneous games on Monday? Seems counterintuitive to cannibalize your own viewership, but the Packers and Giants do have huge fan bases. The only group of people who have performed more poorly than the officiating crews might be the schedule makers. Or is it the player punishment committee? The NFL has too many administrative issues to list, so let’s just bask in the beauty of a “too much football” problem.
Yikes, Prez
Emotional maturity is not a prerequisite to becoming a professional football player with a gigantic contract. Players like Jamal Adams should be thankful that’s the case. The veteran safety is embroiled in yet another social media war, this time with fans and media members.
It all started during the Seahawks’ game against the Cowboys. Things were getting chippy between Adams and the Dallas receiving corps, namely CeeDee Lamb and young TE Jake Ferguson. Ferguson started it…and finished it. He jawed with Adams after showing up Quandre Diggs with an emphatic first down celebration in his face. Then Lamb was seen pointing and laughing at Adams when Ferguson barbecued the former Pro Bowl defensive back for a touchdown catch. It was pitiful coverage, which warranted a “Yikes” from one reporter who posted a video of the Ferguson touchdown on X.
Adams immediately made it personal. For a player of his caliber, it was very disappointing to see him stoop to this level over something so trivial. As for Ferguson, he has become a revelation in the Cowboys’ top-scoring offense in the NFL. He has scored four of his six touchdowns in the last six games on his way to sitting at TE8 in PPR scoring. The Eagles pass defense has been ripped to shreds this season, including in Week 9 when Ferguson set a season-high of 22.10 PPR points. The Cowboys have beaten the Eagles five consecutive times at home and are rolling in recent weeks. Philly is licking their wounds after getting pieced up by the 49ers but could be as dangerous as cornering a wild animal. The stage is set for a smashing Sunday night game.
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