It has come to my attention that some of you have found a really fun and interesting way to consume this column every week. Creating crazy player parlays with my predictions and tossing a buck or two on the insanely long odds is honestly genius. Though it is obviously for entertainment purposes only, you’re grown adults and can derive enjoyment from my work any way you see fit.

The day will eventually come when that sucker will strike gold and provide one hell of a story to tell. If my unusually long streak of near misses persists, you only lost a fraction of a cup of joe from the mermaid coffee shop. Like Marshawn Lynch, I’m about that action, boss. Go get that bag, boo-boo.

Week 13 was great for the player side of things. I staked myself to two exciting rookies and they both paid off massively. Ladd McConkey was fewer than four PPR points from breaking me into the win column. Bucky Irving blew past my paltry prediction of 150 scrimmage yards with 185, but only scored once and the Bucs needed overtime to vanquish the resurgent Panthers.

I featured both of them in most of my DFS lineups, so it was Smash City, USA. Now that you’re going to kick the tires on the spicy pick’em parlay idea this week, now would be a great time to hit the first perfecto. That would take the sting out of “Bye-mageddon” and any fantasy teams that won’t see the playoffs this time around.

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Fantasy Football Hot Takes: Week 14

Kirk Cousins Gets Benched in Minnesota Homecoming; Jordan Addison Is a Top-10 WR in PPR Scoring as Vikings Beat Falcons by More Than 20 Points

Kirk Cousins has played like trash. Last week was the last straw, with most onlookers calling for Michael Penix Jr. to be inserted. I find it poetic Kirko Chainz is heading into his “revenge” game in Minneapolis during the worst stretch of his career. Penix simply cannot be worse. The Vikings have a very good defense, while Cousins has been tossing clay pigeons the last three games. I’m fading every Atlanta player except Bijan Robinson.

While I’m excited about what Justin Jefferson can do against the Falcons’ defense, it’s the big play ability from the flanker spot that packs more of that spicy kick. Jordan Addison is one of the most underrated playmakers in the NFL. Sure, he is aided by the gravitation pull on coverage from the best wide receiver on the planet. Don’t forget Addison is so good that Kenny Pickett became a first-round pick. Minnesota is good and Atlanta is evaporating right before our eyes. This one won’t be close.

Kyren Williams Turns 30 Touches Into 30 PPR Points; Rams Outlast Bills in 65-Point Shootout

I enjoy the steady drip of fantasy production provided by volume god Kyren Williams. He’s not fast, nor quick. He doesn’t break many tackles or burst through running lanes with uncanny vision. Williams also fumbles at a higher rate than most running backs. Sean McVay still looks at him like I do a pizza fresh out of the oven. Nobody understands why, but it pays the bills.

The Rams play the Bills on Sunday and the only way to beat Buffalo is through a Novocain drip running game to keep Josh Allen off the field. Perfect. Blake Corum is the answer, but McVay never heard the question. Just as we expect Corum to see an increased role means Williams will garner every backfield touch once again.

The Rams’ defense is not very good. This is problematic, especially considering how utterly magnificent Buffalo’s offense has been all season. Allen is on a real heater, while the running game with James Cook is humming along nicely.

Other than Cook, the spotlight for a breakout performance in this game is on Khalil Shakir. Everyone else was way overhyped because they play with Allen. Shakir is the real deal and no one on Los Angeles’ defense measures up in coverage.

Patrick Mahomes Sets Season High With 350 Passing Yards and Four Touchdowns Versus Previously Tough Chargers Pass Defense; Chargers Win With Cameron Dicker 50-Plus Yarder at the Buzzer

This is the moment when the “luckiest 11-1 team in NFL history” proves that claim is pure hogwash. The breaks are the breaks. Kansas City has enjoyed plenty of them, but don’t act like this isn’t essentially the same team that is in the midst of a dynastic run. Patrick Mahomes is still amazing and, until now, hasn’t had very many memorable fantasy performances.

The Chargers’ defense has stifled opponents with sketchy or even non-elite quarterback play. They have also been exposed by both Joe Burrow and Lamar Jackson recently. Watch Travis Kelce and DeAndre Hopkins work in tandem with a stronger running game to support a big day for Mahomes.

Justin Herbert is just unbelievably good. Once you acknowledge his greatness, you can marvel at how he already has the most passing yards through a player’s first five seasons in NFL history. Don’t expect much running game from the Bolts. J.K. Dobbins is out for the year and the Chiefs have the best run defense in the league by far.

Ball control can still work with a smart quarterback who can scramble to move the chains. Los Angeles doesn’t have the receiver talent to enjoy a high touchdown rate in the red zone. Fret not. Cameron Dicker is damn near automatic from any range. This will be a great game to watch and appreciate two of the best signal-callers showcase their abilities.

Mike Gesicki Racks Up 100 of Cincinnati’s 400 Receiving Yards in Dallas on Monday Night; Bengals Hang 40 Burger on Cowboys in Another Embarrassing Blowout Home Loss

My Dallas Cowboys are horrendous. Don’t let consecutive wins distract you from the truth. Mike McCarthy is on the outs after this season, especially once the Cowboys lose out the rest of the way like I am predicting.

The defense cannot slow down Joe Burrow and the mighty Cincinnati offensive attack. Cooper Rush faces one of the worst defenses in the league himself, but do we trust one of the shoddiest roster builds in history to exploit it? I don’t.

Burrow is another unbelievable talent who draws ire from morons who think wins are a quarterback stat. Ja’Marr Chase and Tee Higgins are both alpha dogs out wide who can shred this overrated Dallas secondary. So can ultra-athletic tight end Mike Gesicki. The Cowboys are extremely weak up the seam, assuming star nickel corner Jourdan Lewis will mostly help out with Chase.

Plus, I already know my most rostered running back in DFS this week is going to be Chase Brown. America’s Team is abhorrent at stopping the run and also struggles against pass-catchers from the backfield. Is it even spicy to predict a blowout home loss for Dallas anymore? I guess if a 4-8 team does it, Jerry Jones will have stuck his spade through to another rock bottom.