Running Diary: Week 5 (2021 Fantasy Football)
(The Fantasy Football Running Diary is an ongoing series by Tim Metzler, in which Tim records and shares what is happening in the NFL every Sunday. It may also include updates on his personal life.)
Paying attention to everything that’s happening in the NFL is a challenge. You’re busy. Don’t sweat it. You keep doing you and let me do the work for you. This Running Diary will recap as many events as I can keep track of on Sunday, October 10th. Let’s go!
12:05 PM (CT) – Games are starting, but first: the Falcons beat the Jets in London. I’ll be honest, I didn’t wake up for this game because I have better things to do with my time than watch commentators mockingly say, “welcome in, chaps,” and then explain how the future looks bright for two awful franchises. Anyway… WELCOME IN, CHAPS! IT’S FOOTBALL TIME!
12:07 – The Tennessee defense strikes first this week! A Dan Arnold fumble turns into a defensive touchdown. Dan Arnold will have weeks where he’s a streamable tight end, but you’ll need to get lucky more times than you’ll be emotionally prepared for.
12:08 – Ben Roethlisberger hits Diontae Johnson for a 50-yard touchdown bomb. Are the rumors of Big Ben’s demise overblown? No. But that doesn’t mean he can’t have moments that resemble his former brilliance. This was one of those moments.
12:12 – James Robinson has four carries for 70 yards. It’s been ugly 90% of the time, but Robinson has been the lone bright spot for a dark and ominous Jacksonville season.
12:14 – And now Robinson has a rushing score. The sun is shining on Urban Meyer. Just kidding, this will all end in tears.
12:15 – My parents-in-law are over today. They’re wonderful people, but they also happen to be Bears fans. I bleed cheese because my dad raised me right. Thus, my wife and her parents have chosen to hang up pictures while the Packers play. There’s nothing quite like the sound of tapping hammers while you’re trying to destroy your fantasy football enemies. At least this family has no Lions fans.
12:30 – Damien Harris runs it in for the score but Nick Folk misses the extra point. After missing the go-ahead field goal against Tom Brady’s Buccaneers, I wonder how long Belichick will put up with him.
12:47 – The Pats and Texans have scored three total touchdowns and have missed every extra point. Wow.
12:50 – Damien Harris almost scored his second touchdown of the day, but he fumbled instead. Obviously, this means he’ll never play another snap for Bill Belichick.
1:00 – Buccaneers are cruising again. They’re up 17-10 over the Dolphins. Antonio Brown just struck gold with a deep touchdown. This feels like a good day for the players that were drafted in the middle rounds of fantasy drafts.
1:08 – MY BONES! That hurt to watch. Joe Burrow just got lit up. This Bengals and Packers game is turning out to be a defensive matchup, not a shootout.
1:22 – Aaron Rodgers to Davante Adams for the score. And… wait wait… hold up… it took two seconds and the Bengals responded with a touchdown of their own, this one from Joe Burrow to Ja’Marr Chase. Okay. We got a game.
1:30 – We’re entering halftime, and so far we’ve got a few good matchups. Here are some takeaways: the Washington Football Team and the New Orleans Saints are tied up and pretty evenly matched. The Broncos may be posers. The Texans won’t lie down and die (but they should absolutely lay down and die). The Panthers can win against almost any mediocre team.
2:00 – Games are finally starting again. HERE WE GO!
2:05 – Someone please explain to me how the Patriots are losing to the Texans. What is this? Why do the Patriots feel broken?
2:09 – Titans lead the Jaguars 31-13. How many consecutive losses will Urban Meyer lead this team to? You gotta wonder if Gardner Minshew took all the magic with him to Philly’s bench.
2:12 – The Steelers are ending the Broncos. ENDING THEM. 24-6. Najee Harris has 100-plus yards and a touchdown.
2:27 – OOOOOOWEEEEE! The Eagles are coming back against the Panthers. Hurts is in for a rushing touchdown to bring the score to 13-15.
2:28 – The Patriots and Texans are now TIED! 22-22. This is wild.
2:43 – This Packers vs Bengals game is fantastic. Meanwhile, Brady has been annihilating the Dolphins, 45-17.
2:45 – Mason Crosby misses the kick to go ahead! WOW! Burrow’s Bengals have a chance to go to 4-1 with a field goal.
2:50 – Hold up. The Lions are coming back on the Vikings. They’re in the red zone and are only down by 7.
2:54 – LIONS GET THE TOUCHDOWN AND TWO-POINTER! THEY’RE UP 17-16! AAAAAAUGH!!! THE KNEE CAPS! THE KNEE CAPPPPPS!
2:55 – OH GOOD GRACIOUS THE DRAMA CONTINUES! THE BENGALS MISS THE FIELD GOAL AND NOW CROSBY…ALSO MISSES! WHAT IS GOING ON!?!?
2:57 – Field Goal City is a real place and we’re all stuck in it. The Vikings just took back the lead and the Patriots hopped over the Texans. We’re about a collective minute away from seeing those games end. Bengals and Packers going to OT.
3:00 – I take back anything nice I said about the Panthers. The Eagles are on top with a few minutes remaining.
3:15 – The Buccaneers annihilated the Dolphins. Brady was pulled in the fourth quarter but still ended with 411 yards and five scores.
3:25 – The second round of games has begun. The Packers-Bengals game is finally over — after five straight missed field goals, Crosby finally hit one through to end the agony.
3:50 – Woof. Justin Fields has been ROUGHED UP in this game. He just tossed his first career passing touchdown, though. He could have a great career, but he’ll need to learn how to avoid so much aggressive physical taxation.
3:51 – Dak Prescott has an INT and a fumble. Dallas is still winning against the Giants.
4:12 – We are three minutes into the second quarter and Trey Lance has 49 yards on nine rushing attempts. Upside.
4:30 – Saquon Barkley has been carted off the field with an ankle injury. A moment of silence, please.
4:35 – Browns-Chargers is 20-13. The moment Baker Mayfield gets paid more than his rookie contract value, the Browns won’t be able to stack their roster like it currently is. Enjoy this success while you can, Cleveland.
5:00 – Halftime breaks are ending. Dallas still leads New York. Dak has two touchdowns. I’m still not convinced that the Cowboys are good. Maybe the second half will prove me wrong.
5:01 – The Raiders are WAY out of sync today. Waller had a great Week 1 but has pretty much disappeared otherwise. Also, Bryan Edwards has dropped multiple big passes. Target Ruggs and Waller, let’s go.
5:05 – Alright. I gotta help hang some pictures now. Yes, we have too many pictures. No, I don’t get to decide where the pictures go. Check back in with you later.
6:00 – The Bears are up by eight with 2:45 to go. Browns over Chargers, 42-35. Cowboys over Giants, 27-13. Cardinals over 49ers, 10-7.
6:30 – Derek Carr took a shot that almost gave me a concussion. Nathan Peterman time? Never… but maybe.
6:35 – The Browns and Chargers both have great defenses. They’re in a shootout. This is madness. Justin Herbert is quickly becoming a legend.
6:40 – Kyler Murray is still in the MVP race, but he isn’t doing a ton today. Also, Trey Lance is ready to be a starter. He’s not ready to be a winning starter. He needs reps and a full season where he can learn to be “the man.” He’ll be worth drafting as a top-10 quarterback next season, maybe higher.
6:55 – Bears-Raiders has been one of the ugliest games I’ve ever seen. The stadium in Las Vegas is fun, though.
7:20 – The Bears won. The Chargers struck like actual lighting in a late-game surge to overcome the Browns. The Cardinals remain undefeated, but this win feels yucky. Giants… um… how to say this… the Giants lost their entire roster to injury? Something like that. Saquon Barkley, Daniel Jones, and Kenny Golladay may all miss significant time with various ailments.
7:45 – The Bills and Chiefs are off to a decent start, but Mahomes has more than a few incompletions, and Josh Allen just wants to run. The future of the game is bright but tonight may get ugly.
9:00 – Bills up 24-13 over the Chiefs. Rain is coming so the game may be delayed. I’m grabbing nachos and butterscotch chocolate chips to snack on.
9:30 – The game is still delayed. I finished the butterscotch chips. They hit the spot. Nachos lacked quality melted cheese. I pulled them out of the microwave too early. Big mistake.
9:45 – We’re still delayed. I’m thinking tomorrow may be a rough morning. You guys ever play sudoku? I just got into. Can’t stop. I’m addicted. I’m awful at it but fully addicted.
10:05 – Still delayed. I’m not sure how many more anchors I can make to get through this. A man has limits.
10:15 – FINALLY. Please, everyone, remember to stretch. This season has already wrecked too many innocent groins.
10:22 – The Bills went three-and-out and now the Chiefs are doing the same by feeding Clyde Edwards-Helaire. Gross. I noticed something this week: some players scare me to play against. Justin Herbert scares me. Derrick Henry scares me. Travis Kelce scares me. CEH makes me happy because he’s not ever a multi-touchdown threat.
11:16 – I’m going to come clean with you. I fell asleep. I’m awake now. That’s not to say the game isn’t good. It’s good. I’m just old and tired. The Bills are up 38-20.
11:26 – I need this game to end. I’m tired and the Chiefs are down by too much to come back. Also… are the Chiefs, uh, maybe not as good as we thought they were?
11:28 – Oh. Mahomes just fumbled. Kelce just got lit up and looks to possibly be out for the game. I take responsibility. Yes, me, the man who is alone in a cold apartment while watching football and typing disjointed thoughts into a glowing screen. I’m responsible for that fumble and injury because I questioned the greatness of the Chiefs. I apologize.
11:40 – Game over. The Bills get their revenge on the Chiefs after last season’s AFC Championship.
11:45 – Thanks, as always, for following me through this delightful adventure. I hope you have a great week and I’ll catch you next Sunday!
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